Everyone faces this at one time or another, guys and girls alike. We have a friend who we enjoy hanging out with, enjoy their company. They are kind, caring, loyal, a genuine good person. However you don't see them as anything more than that, you are perfectly happy with where your relationship is and don't see dating or anything more in your future. This is all fine as long as both people have this understanding. A lot of times though we find our selves with this type of person and they may have a different idea of where they want this relationship to go, they may want more than just a simple friendship. Either this becomes obvious to you, or another trusted friend might point out that so and so has deeper feelings. So what do you do? How can you let them down with out hurting them, or hurting your friendship?
I've been in this situation a few times. When I got that hunch that maybe he liked me and had other plans for this friendship than I did, my first reaction was to stay on the naive side, give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe my hunch is wrong. So I'd continue going about our friendship normal not treating him any different or talking to him any less. What I didn't realize is that by doing this, I was leading him on. Since he had a different idea already about what our friendship was or would lead to me acting this way further confirmed to him that "maybe she's on the same page." What should you do?
Other times along with that hunch things could be different for the guy, some of my girl friends had to point it out to me and let me know that he's into me. There was even a time when a priest who knew my group of friends really well told me in the confessional, Mike** definitely has his eye on you. Once this information was in my face I back tracked through recent hang outs and conversations with the guy and realized yes it's obvious he's really into me. Okay but I wasn't in to him in the same way, so now what?
Here's what not to do....and there are probably other things we shouldn't do but this is from my experience.
1. Nothing - once after a guy friend actually spilled his feelings I just sat there and said nothing, got out of his truck and left. That was hard and awkward for both of us! I didn't know any better though I should have just spoke honestly to him right then and there but I didn't know to do that, I didn't want to hurt him. I did eventually write him a letter that was honest. Still, you must take action!
2. Play naive and hope he naturally gets over you. As I said before playing naive and acting as if nothing is different or that you know nothing will just lead him on. It's best to have the conversation as soon as possible and be honest. The sooner he can start letting you go the better.
3. Try to avoid him at all costs. Once after finding out a guy friend was into me more than I was I did this. I changed my routes to class even left the church out of a different door to avoid him. It was a lot of work. If you have a friendship with this guy and all of a sudden disappear from his world it's going to be obvious. While this may initiate that tough conversation about differeing levels of feelings, it's going to stress you both out. It's best to confront him right away.
_____________ ____________ ___________________ ___________ _______________ __
Here is what we should do!
The best advice I ever got was from the priest. I told him I didn't feel the same way about Mike** but didn't want to hurt him or our friendship which I valued. Father, speaking as a man knew exactly what I needed to do. He said I needed to act quickly, not delay, be blunt and honest with the guy. No sugar coating, don't leave anything out. Then I'd have to make some separation. He pointed out that if I let it continue it wouldn't be healthy for either of us, the guy would get lead on and I would constantly be awkwardly worrying about his feelings that were different from mine when we hung out. For the guy, getting over his feelings wouldn't be painless and quick and easy once I told him I didn't feel the same way. So some separation may be in order to help him heal and detach from me. Sure I was going to miss they way we used to talk and hang out, but it would be selfish of me to cling on to that, lead him on, and further make things harder on him. Maybe one day, with time he will get over the feelings and be able to love you simply as a friend again. We both would just have to be patient and pray for that.
Did that work? Yes. Was it difficult? Yes. Was it the best thing to do? Yes.
I've used Father's advice on two different occasions. The first time was for Mike** that was a tough conversation to have but once we both got on board with what was obvious and were able to talk honestly about how he and I felt and how it was different it helped us both. It was hard for him to hear but he was mature enough and respected that I didn't feel the same. He was hurt and it did take him some time to get over me and we did have to initiate some separation to help him move on. It was worth it. In time we were eventually able to both be on the same page as simple good friends. It's not the same as before, but I would say it's healthier and more well rounded.
Is this always the best answer? Yes. Is it always going to be nice and clean? No.
Myself and friends have had experiences where the guy didn't react so pleasantly. Perhaps he might lash out in anger. Write a hurtful letter to you. Tell you how "wrong" you are. Want to close all ties with you and come up with far-fetched reasons for doing so. If a guy ever reacts something like this realize and understand that he is hurt, you may feel hurt by him too, but please don't take his negative words or actions to heart. This is further confirmation that you have to be honest with him as soon as possible, but sometimes you just can't help his feelings, interpretaions, or reactions. He will have to heal on his own. You can both learn and grow from this. Pray for him and in time perhaps he'll one day come to understand why things had to happen the way they did and come to forgive and let go.
**name changed.
Here's a good article found in Verily magizine written by a guy on what to do in this situation. If you ever find yourself in this situation please heed his advice, and the advice of the priest I have written above. Be decisive and honest and understanding when it comes to that needed separation.
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Gentleman Speak: How To Let A Guy Down Easy
By / Photography By: Gabriela Hansen
As my sisters and I swapped stories over the recent holiday, I discovered that my youngest sister has become unnervingly skilled at jettisoning guys at the bar who, despite their best efforts, fail to attract her ongoing attention.
What that says about the dating world in general, I’m still unsure. But there’s another sort of relationship-ending that she hasn’t quite mastered: It’s been a few months. He’s nice. He’s friendly. He’s not terrible-looking. He’s not the one. But she really does care about him. So how could she end this relationship without bruising his ego?
She can’t. And neither can you.
Break-ups always feel like getting hit in the psyche by a Mack truck, so it’s a fool’s errand thinking there is some way to soften the blow. When it comes to ending a relationship with a gentleman, there’s a better question to use to guide your actions: how can I end it in a way that respects both him and the relationship we shared?
When?
Now. The first time you can arrange to see him in person will do. When you know he’s not the one, both he and you deserve to start the mending process as soon as possible.How?
Honest, direct, and to the point. This seems obvious, but the noble temptation to obfuscate and “protect him” is strong, yet inevitably leads to more confusion and anger.If you’re at an impasse on a big issue and see no way forward, he’ll respect you for calling out the elephant in the room. But if you’re breaking it off because he’s always in the middle of an epic Call of Duty session with his bros, do him (and his next girlfriend) a favor and tell him he still has some growing up to do. Before you begin a break up with “You’re a great guy but…” ask yourself, would you set him up with a friend? Gentlemen are made, not born.
In the end, men and women share an essential truth: we prefer to be let down than led on.
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