Don't be "that roommate"

“Don’t be that roommate”

Getting ready to go to college and move away from home is stressful enough without worrying over your living situation with roommates. We’ve heard all sorts of roommate stores from older family and friends. Some of them were the best of friends, the others were horror stories. Why are there roommates like that? That drive people crazy? You may dread going potluck or living with the unknown because what if they turn out to be someone we can’t live with? But, have you ever stopped to look at yourself and make sure you aren’t “that” roommate? In this post is a list of ways we can “not be that roommate” that I’ve gathered from friend’s experiences, personal experience and observation, of myself, and of roommates.

 DISCLAIMER – just in case any of my former roommates read this, I fully acknowledge that according to this post I was in reality not the perfect roommate. I don’t want someone else making the same unnecessary mistake. I learned a lot in those years and if it weren’t for some of my roommates I may never have learned what I did about living well with others. Thanks!

Two things to keep in mind for the remainder of the list. 1. You don’t own the place. Most likely you’ll be living in a dorm or renting a house or apartment. It’s a shared ownership with you and your roommates. And 2. Doing well in college is important. You and you’re roommates are paying for classes, grades are important, studying is a legitimate excuse not to do something.

1.       Alarm clocks- this is important especially if you share a room with someone. Wake up and deal with your alarm. Make sure it is something that will wake you up. Don’t hit snooze 50 times if you really don’t plan on rolling out of bed for class. Remember your roommate(s) may be trying to sleep and it isn’t fair if they have to be awoken by your alarm because you neglect to shut it off.

2.       Music- Be considerate about volume or whether it’s an appropriate time to have it on at all. Turning your stereo on when you get home in the middle of the night as you’re getting ready for bed means that you’re likely disturbing other roommates trying to sleep. If a roommate is studying turn down your volume or use headphones. Don’t deprive someone of a good studying atmosphere, that’s not necessary.

3.       Bills- Responsibly keep up with rent, utilities etc. For the most part this is handled by the landlord, school housing services, or the apartment. Don’t put your roommates in a bind by not paying your part. There are consequences. If there is a disagreement that can’t be settled on payments take it up with an unbiased third party. For example you and your roommates may disagree on how much each should have to pay during a break when not all of you are there. A disagreement like this can cause some awkward tension and is best to have settled by the landlord.

4.       Pets- Be sure your roommates are okay with your pet. If a roommate has an allergy, you can’t expect her to suffer so leave your cat or dog with family. Other factors such as shedding, fleas, and accidents. These are all your responsibility. Your pet also needs to be under control. Not just for the sake of your roommates, but neighbors too. No one will be thrilled with a hound dog howling at odd hours of the night or a cat meowing to be let out. If you can’t keep them quiet be considerate and respectful of others and leave the pet with family.

5.       Chores (dorm)- Most the times chores are divided between sides, each person taking care of their half. It’s ideal to keep things in shape. Make your bed, have a covered basket for laundry and don’t let trash pile on the floor. If your roommates parents drop by unexpectedly what can she do about the heap of nasty laundry and old food that has piled up in your corner?

6.       Chores (house or appt.)- A lot of times roommates will reach an agreement on what chores need to be done and rotate week by week taking turns on who does what. Things such as taking out trash, sweeping, vacuuming, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom are all shared chores. Do your part and don’t put it off!

7.       What that said, pick up after yourself. If you have your own room you can let it go however you like, but with a shared room, or shared areas such as a kitchen or living room be mindful that it’s not your space, it’s everyone’s. Don’t leave your roommates to clean your dishes and put away your shoes when they have guests coming over.

8.       Boyfriends (dorm)- Talk it over with your roommate before inviting him in. Let her know when he’ll be around and how long. Surprises aren’t good when it comes to having male friends over. What if she’s been in the shower and happens to walk out while you have your man friend over? What if she walks in on you and your man friend during an intimate moment? Boyfriends should not stay late, or overnight. Especially when your roommate is around. While you’re comfortable with him she likely isn’t and it makes for an awkward situation when trying to shower and go to bed.

9.       Boyfriends (house or appt.)- Again talk it over with your roommates when you are having male friends over so that they aren’t surprised. If you want to watch a movie with him in the living room plan that with your roommates and be aware you may not get all the privacy you want. If he needs to stay late or stay the night plan this with your roommates. Let them know where he’ll be so that no one is surprised.
9.1- Your boyfriend can’t live with you in your room with when you share a place with your roommates. Many of these points we may have differing opinions on especially this one. If one of the girls aren’t comfortable with a man in the house for extended days and nights please respect her. Even if it’s not a big deal to you it may be to her. She signed the lease with you and your other roommates, not with your guy. She signed a lease expecting to live with other girls, not a guy too. In this case it’s not going to hurt you to not get to live with your bf in your room, but she for whatever reason will be uncomfortable if he is “living” with yall.  

10.    Parties- Talk it over with all roommates so that everyone can arrange what to do or if it’s okay. Out of consideration for your roommates safety and yours don’t allow anything illegal from any of the people you invite. Keep the noise down, no alcohol for minors, no drugs. The worst would be waking up in the night hearing a cop out in your living room arresting or giving a warning.

11.   A/C and Heater- Come to an agreement on temperatures with your roommates and stick to it. Most likely the bill is split evenly at the end of the month. So don’t turn the air way down when you’re alone, raising the bill. Be mindful and considerate. Remember you all have to share the bill and you’ll want to keep the costs down and still be comfortable. There’s no golden temperature so if it’s too warm or cold you’ll just have to deal with fans or extra covers.

 

12. Give them space- Respect their space and social life. Know that their room is theirs, if it's not clean there's not a lot you can do about it. Never go snooping around looking for clothes to borrow or even something as simple as an ink pen with out asking them first. Also don't expect to get invited everywhere just because you are their roommate. They will likely have their own friends they want to be with sometimes just as you'll have yours. If you do want to go hang out with them and their friends, there is no harm in asking them about it first.

13.   Respect faith/morals/values- We all have our differences when it comes to these areas. When you’re living with someone have respect for this part of their life. It’s likely a big part of who they are as an individual. Accept that yall may have to respectfully disagree in areas such as these. Leave it at that. You may share your faith and such with another but you can’t force it. If they don’t want to agree that’s okay. It is possible to politely disagree. At the same time you don’t have to put up a wall to their differing beliefs. You can listen without agreeing. Listening will help them know that you respect them and give you a chance to better understand them as a person and why they are the way they are, why they value or don’t value what they do.

14.   Don’t be a nazi- by this I mean have patience and realize everything isn’t black and white, college is a crazy time and things happen. Maybe someone will get sick and need the ac/heater set differently or not be able to complete their chores. Maybe they had to grab a quick bite to eat before heading to class and left dishes in the sink, unless it’s a bad habit give them a chance to come back and deal with it. Maybe someone will be so overwhelmed with school responsibilities during test week or interviews and start to slack with home responsibilities. It’s okay to give them a break or if possible even offer to help if you want to or have time.

15.   Do- The extras. This is a brief list of those little extra things that absolutely are not required, never feel pressured to have to do them, but they are nice and others appreciate them. Cook a meal for your roommates. Cook with your roommates. Plan to hang out with them; play board games see a movie, have a Disney marathon night. Contribute to the home décor. Be there for her if she's clearly having a rough day. Do something you know they would like. Introduce them to your family, and meet their family. Go shopping together. Plan workout times together to help motivate each other. Help them study by offering to quiz them over notes. There are tons more things you might think of!

16.   All in all treat them as you would want to be treated.

A home is supposed to be a comfortable safe place that we can retreat to, and we should not for any reason do something to take that away from someone else. This post is not about letting others “get their way,” completely catering to others needs, bending over backwards, or letting them walk all over you. There might be cases where your room mate has ridiculous expectations of you and dealing with that may be for another post, but this one is to help you be sure that you don’t have ridiculous expectations of them. It’s about making compromises and learning to adapt. It’s about learning to live with another besides just ourselves. Being a good roommate does require us to be selfless and make some sacrifices. It’s actually good practice for marriage. You’ll get good practice learning how to live with another person with a different lifestyle and tastes. You’ll learn what a reasonable request or expectation is of others, and what to “just deal with.”

We can’t control whether our roommates turn out to be our best friends or a nightmare to live with. All we can do ourselves is to be "the roommate" be the best roommate we can be, be someone that anyone wouldn’t mind living with.